Parents can grow a strong, positive relationship with their children (which helps reduce defiance!) by continually attuning to them. This means being able to be with your children in a way that causes them to really feel understood, heard and important—that who they are, and what they do matters to you.
Children have a strong need to feel significant and to belong. When parents feed that need, children can put their energy into discovery, playing and learning instead of trying to get your attention.
In this piece, her daughter asked Stafford what her favorite insect is. They talked about their choices: ladybugs (mom) and firefly (daughter) and then Stafford picked up when her daughter’s tone and demeanor changed. Sensing the shift, Stafford looked into her daughter’s eyes where they exchanged a moment of understanding.
What followed was a beautiful discussion where Stafford and her daughter allowed themselves to be vulnerable and share their struggles.
Children want to open to up their parents—they want to say what hurts, what is hard, and ask for help. Some children might not appear to want this openness, but there is a drive within all of us to speak our truth. For those children who avoid connecting on this level, they likely have had experiences with adults that taught them that being open isn’t helpful. If a child tries to share but continually gets shut down, he will eventually stop trying.
Here are six ways parents can attune to their children:
Take time (hopefully each day) to be with your child without having one eye on your mobile devices, computer or TV. Get involved in what he is doing, making sure to follow his lead. This way you will get to know what is baseline is (what he is like when all is well.) You’ll also learn more about his buddies, what he likes and what’s happening in his world.
You can tell when a child (and adult, too) is feeling a strong emotional surge. Often when this happens, there is some kind of physical response like looking down, a slumping of the shoulders or a change in voice. If the emotional surge is anger, the child might go into fight-or-flight (yelling, throwing, storming away). As I mentioned in this calm-down plan post, the first course of action when that happens is to try and make the shift back into our rational mind before talking: Calm first. Talk second.
When parents pause, they can take a moment to coach themselves into doing something that connects, not hurts. Take control of unhelpful self-talk like, “Not again! This kid is so freaking emotional,” and tell yourself what will help your child, “I need to help this guy back from the ‘losing it’ zone.”
If your child’s emotional response is one of fear or sadness, try telling yourself something like this, “I want to know more. Be gentle.”
Take this pause to postpone your own agenda or to-do list so you can attend to your child’s needs. If you are about to do something that really has to happen now, you can tell your child that what he is experiencing is important to you, and you’d love to come back to that right after your meeting, for example. Hopefully you’ll be able to make at least five minutes available in the moment before needing to dash away.
Steer away from questions that result in a “yes/ no” answer and use ones that tell your child you’d like to hear what’s up. You can try, “It seems to me that you are sad—I’d love to hear more. What are you thinking about (or remembering)?”
If your child turns that offer down, you can try sharing a story of your own, as Stafford did, where you explain a similar situation from your childhood. Children will often open up when they know their parents have felt sad/ angry/ mad, too. Remember to be aware of your body language when telling your story—be soft and leave pauses in case your child wants to ask you questions.
When your child does open up, make sure not to invalidate, “Oh Honey, I’m sure it wasn’t that bad,” or criticize, “Well, if you had spoken up then none of this would have happened.” Listen with the goal of clarification; not making him feel worse.
Most people don’t want others to solve their problems, but rather be an ear to hear. Help your child grow his problem-solving skills by discussing options rather than telling him what to do. You can ask questions like this, “Hmmm… OK, so what are the different choices we have to handle this?” or “What can you do to help yourself feel better?”
If you aren’t used to talking about your own emotions, I encourage you to learn how to do this. When you are experiencing a feeling (mad, sad, glad or scared), pause to notice what is happening—be a commentator of your emotions.
The next step is to ask yourself these questions: 1) Do I need a break? 2) To try again? Or 3) Some help? Perhaps that help needs to come from another person or within yourself. What do you need to happen so your emotion feels addressed? Do you need to learn a skill, talk to someone or go for a walk to cool down?
A great book to read on this topic is DARING GREATLY by Brené Brown, PhD.
I continually share free parenting resources on my Facebook page. I invite you over there to ask questions or learn more.
Have you ever felt so frustrated with your kids that you want to scream? Read Core Beliefs And Self-Talk: Be The Parent You Want To Be